Gordon Brown and the Sinking Ship - Political Sketch

The sea was calm with wonderful views of the stars in the night sky as the ship crossed the Ocean.

Captain Gordon Brown sat on the bridge, he was happy with the quiet waters and busy telling everyone how fantastic he was as captain.

"You should see the way I handle this ship, I am so fantastic I know everything about her I am a great captain" he laughed.
As usual the other officers on the ships bridge were humouring him, wary of his fierce temper and aware that the slightest thing would send him into a rage.

"Captain, you do realise that in these waters it would be a good idea to make the most of the calm sea and make up some time, and oh, your heading has put us off course by about a hundred miles you know?" said one of the junior officers, rather sheepishly.
"Nonsense" shouted Gordon "I know exactly what I am doing keep to this heading and speed and all your seas will be calm"
"Yes sir, but we are very close to the reef"
"Never you mind, I am Gordon, while I am in command everything is just fine"
Gordon drank another glass of wine and looked at his watch. "slow the engines and head another 4 degrees north" He commanded.
"Um, yes sir, but on that heading we will actually hit the reef" replied David, the 2nd in command.
"Sir, I think Gordon is either drunk or mad, I really don't think he knows what he is doing, I could do a better job as Captain than him" whispered one of the junior officers to David.
David was already worried, "Captain we must change course and increase speed, I think that your [moral] compass may be faulty." he said.
"Are you questioning me" Bellowed Gordon, "And I heard what that junior rating said, he is relieved of his duties"
Gordon poured another glass of wine.

An alarm sounded on the control panel. "We only have 3 metres depth of water under the ship, all engines stop" commanded David.
"Disregard that order, continue on this heading and at this speed" bellowed Captain Brown.
"The Captain is either drunk or incompetent, ignore him I am taking command of this ship" Said David
"You are doing no such thing, you are relieved of your duties too" shouted the Captain.

The sound of the ships hull tearing against the reef as she lurched to port caused an instant hush to fall over the entire crew. Water began to fill the ship as it listed rapidly.

"I am in command" shouted David "shut all forward hatches and start the pumps, we can save her if we act fast"

"This is no time for a novice to be in charge, this ship needs a captain with experience, with excellent vision who knows how to drive her, I am the best man for the job" Shouted Captain Gordon.

"Ill leave you to it then" smiled David as he headed for the lifeboats.

HBOS Lloyds and Financial Meltdown

Some how the banks have lost billions of pounds. I have been looking as I drive about but isn't laying anywhere obvious, I think that many billions would be easy to find.

There is now a problem that we can't know which bank to trust with our money or who is going to go under next. It has all been caused by greed and although a lot of us are losing money there are still plenty of people in the city who are making money by making others lose it. Don't expect me to explain that one but it is apparently going on.

As the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Universe says "DON'T PANIC" I have the solution for you.

Bury your money in my garden.
This is very simple and guarantees you won't lose any money, well probably not.
Go and draw out all your money and bring it to me. I will then put your money in to a Tupperware container, its OK they are waterproof, Ill then dig a hole in my garden and bury it. I will give you a receipt for the money. Problem solved.

If you need money you can call around and for a small fee I will dig up your box and give you whatever money you want from it.
If you have a lot of money and want me to I can lend some of your money to other people who have boxes but don't have enough money for something. They will then pay you back the money plus a little bit extra.

I only have a small garden but I have friends who will also let me put boxes in their gardens and will only charge me a small amount. They are also letting people bury boxes in their gardens so if you need to borrow some money and there isn't enough in my garden boxes they will lend me some from their boxes for a small fee.
Don't worry its all OK if I run out of money they will let me have money to pay you so you will never lose your money.

There is no reason to worry about your money once you have joined my scheme, I guarantee that at any time you need money I should have some here for you.

So, if you wish to use my facilities just drop me an email HBOS@Lloyds.com

Green Collar Workers.

Its the latest buzz word being thrown about by Gordon Brown and I admit I thought he had made it up.

Silly me, how could he make up something. He said that his government is going to create one million new "green collar" jobs. Oh please , that's so pathetic, we are to refer to people who work in "green" industries as green collar workers. Yawn, how can things get any more stupid, I am sure they will.

Will there be a sliding scale of green, a white with a tint of green for companies who are a little bit "green" through to dark green for people who build mud huts and forage for food.
The crazy save the planet greenies are still taking over. I could not get a carrier bag for my shopping from the co-op yesterday, do their workers now qualify as light green collar workers?

And what of the traditional blue collar jobs where manual labour is part of an eco friendly company, must they now become sludge brown collar workers.

Gobal Warming - Bring It On -Quick!

Its Sunday morning, I am sat in the conservatory watching it rain, again.
The long range forecast says that September will be dryer than average but a little below average temperature. This forecast was published on 27th August yet today's news is of floods and driving rain. I wonder if they should upgrade the Sinclair ZX81 they run the weather model on.

Since governments all over the world started telling us that the planet is warming and that the UK will become a desert it feels that it has not stopped raining for more than a week.
Don't get me wrong, when my carrots were in he ground I was happy for a little "carrot rain", the type that is gentle and drizzly, but now they are harvested I would be pleased to see the sun again.

"They" have got it wrong, the truth must surely be that pumping all that lovely CO2 into the atmosphere was producing proper summers and nice cold winters, now reducing it is just trashing everything. Go on prove I'm wrong, my theory is just as plausible as any government funded scientist who has to say CO2 is bad or lose his grant. Is it too much to ask that we go back to producing as much CO2 as we can for say just 6 months and see if the weather improves.

No one really believes that CO2 is making things worse so perhaps it will make it better if we produce more of it.

There could be a glitch in my plan we may only have until Wednesday. Scientists are starting up a machine next week which some say will create a black hole on Earth. I joke not, they seriously could destroy the world in a split second.
Its OK the chances of that happening as really small, probably as small as a 1 in 14million. Although if you wont the lottery this weekend you might want to worry, you won on the same odds.

Ill let you know Thursdays how the tests went.

Points from the news - School Reform

There is big news for anyone starting secondary school this week, they can look forward to an extra year. I know one teacher who must be over the moon that she has to put up with some people for an extra year.

The education minister, Ed Balls, explained the advantages of the reforms, but what he came out with was so garbled I don't think even he knew what he had implemented.

There are some obvious things that will change with pupils staying on in school the extra year but there are also some things that I bet Ed Balls has not thought of. Take for example the age to drive a car, oh yes its 17 isn't it. So that means that in about 6 years time a whole load of boy (and girl) racers will be heading through the school gates trying to beat the teachers to the parking places.

The one thing that might save teachers from car park battles each morning is that in 6 years time they won't be able to afford petrol so will no doubt be on a "school teachers bus", while, as the home office tells us there is going to be a huge crime wave, the pupils will all have petrol having driven off without paying.

The chances of pupils actually learning anything extra in the additional year are slim, but that won't matter, exams are in such a mess that most will probably be given their exam results when they start this week.

Educations, Education, Education, or as we say now, bit of an Ed Ball up ain't it.