Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
Remember DON'T PANIC! .

31 October, 2007

Education, Education - etc.

Good old Gordon Brown has a solution to everything. Today he has announced that if a school does not have at least 30% of pupils getting 5 GCSEs (or whatever they are called this month) labour will close the school. And to replace them with what. You guessed it he has an answer to that one, Privately funded academies. This sounds just a tad American.
So we have the new academies staffed I guess by some teachers, now I wonder where they will come from, oh yes the school that has just been closed because some one dared to fail his GCSE. We are on a roll with this one, we have an academy, the same teachers and pupils but it is all going to be different and everyone will get 5 GCSEs grade A. Nothing to do with the standards of exams being lowered maybe.
Gordon Brown - Nice but dim!

17 October, 2007

Oi Fatty- Have Another Burger!

Oi Fatty have another burger, no really please do, its OK its not your fault that you look like an elephant from behind.
I have just been reading the report published saying that fat people, "hey it's not your fault", you can't help it. It says that because our bodies are designed to store fat that the 21st century is making people fat. One "expert" says it amazing anyone stays slim. You can't help it you don't have any exercise to do and you simply must have more cakes and chocolates because the shop makes you, its just modern life.
Oh come on! It's dinner time and the fat person wants something to eat, um lets see, a nice salad, tuna, some tomatoes and a slice of wholemeal bread, or, a huge burger dripping in fat and extra large chips followed by some more chips. That will the the chips then won't it fatty. But hey its not your fault, the report says so, its just the way society is, so go on get an arse bigger than the average sofa and make people feel sick as you waddle along the street because your legs are too huge to walk like a human. It's OK.
Well actually its not OK, it is your fault you fat gits out there, stop eating badly, do some exercise and stop making the rest of us feel ill every time we have to suffer the sight of you.
And if anyone is offended by the tone of this blog, its not my fault, it's society made me like this.

11 October, 2007

Essex Police - It just gets better and better!

Some time ago I wrote about how Essex Police are really losing it and since then I have still not heard a good word for them but this one takes it to the limit.
I have changed the addresses but it goes something like this:-
Two pensioners are sitting in their house late one evening and there is a knock at the door number 35 Wotsit Road.
The gentleman goes to the door to find a uniformed member of Essex Police there.
"Ello Ello Ello" , OK I might have made that bit up "Can you tell me where 35 Yourlost Avenue is ?"
Um what the blinkin hell are they on. For a start its completely obvious that 35 Wotsit Road is nowhere near Yourlost Avenue and why the ###### don't Essex Police have maps so they don't have to disturb elderly people to ask directions.
Maybe being lost also explains why after a call at 3am to people damaging property the only thing they did was send 2 PCSOs at 10am the following day to look at the destruction caused.
Now didn't they do well!

10 October, 2007

America- Land of strange shaped people?

I watched a TV program the other night about people in America who have plastic surgery.
I knew about boob jobs and liposuction but I didn't realise that men also have implants in there chests, arms , biceps and just about any other place rather than work out at a gym.
There were some total freaks on the program with surgeons justifying their actions with "here in the USA people care how they look, I don't know what its like in the UK".
Yes people care how they look, but in the main fifty year old men don't have arms full of silicon and the majority of people are not having new boobs every weekend.
More and more people in parts of the USA are having bits of themselves taken away, bits added, changed, re-shaped and enhanced. One woman had a $1000 a day image consultant following her about clapping every time she said something and telling here to have a brow lift. Get a life please dear.
These people are so screwed up that they actually think its normal to have boobs that look like over inflated rugby balls or biceps that can act as emergency floats in the event of a sudden flood.
One of the more scary things is that these people even get to vote. But then again it is America and it doesn't matter who you vote for Hillary will still get in. But that's another story.

Gold Rush

There was an article in the news last week about a mine, not just any old mine but the world deepest goldmine in South Africa. It goes into the earth over 2 and a half miles. Or for those who have gone metric nearly 4km. WOW!
The reason that it was in the news was because they broke the lift. Yes, one lift that takes hundreds of workers at a time to the bottom of the mine was smashed and the workers were stranded for some time while emergency measures were taken to bring them back to the surface. Everyone was OK.
That was one piece of news, but the week before there was news closer to the UK. They suggested that some of the gold in the Bank of England was less pure than it should be. Shock horror.
I didn't realise this but there is about 250 tonnes of gold under the Bank of England. (There used to be a lot more but Gordon Brown sold off many tonnes when he was Chancellor- um )
Also, unless you believe the conspiracy theory that the gold in Fort Knocks had been spirited away by President Johnson, there could be another 8500 tones there.
So give or take we have about 9000 tonnes of gold sitting in just 2 buildings doing absolutely nothing. Its just "The Gold Reserve" that sits there and well that's it.
OK, so where am I going with this. Back to the story about the mine in South Africa.
Many thousand people work in this mine and although I don't remember the exact figure around 160 people got killed there last year and about 250 the year before and one year there were over 500 deaths. All they are doing remember is getting gold out the earth.
Hold on , we have that 9000 tonnes that we know about doing nothing so why dig for more and more.
Here is the plan. These guys are damn good at digging holes. Dig one under the Bank of England, your guaranteed to find 250 tonnes of already purified gold. Even if Assistant Commissioner Hayman's shooter are out they are unlikely to shoot 160 of you without someone protesting, our prisons are full and the courts useless so your on a real winner.
Once your done head for Fort Knocks.